If the Republicans are going to continue their despicable and disgusting presidential campaign tactics that began with Richard Nixon and seem to get worse each year, and Democrats are not going to call them on it and expose their slimy, sickening actions, then I guess future Democratic candidates are going to have to prepare much earlier for their own campaigns - like while they are still in utero. In fact, mothers and fathers are going to have to make some decisions for their unborn baby's future presidential bids.
1. First, mothers and fathers must be careful what name they give their child - and not just first names, but middle names also. Since there is no way to know what potential foreign enemy might arise forty or more years after their child's birth, making an unusual name a risky choice, new parents would be wise to choose only the names of past presidents. John would be my choice. We've had a few presidents named John.
2. Parents need to be careful not to take their child to live overseas, unless it is on a military base, and to take special care not to enroll their child in a school that includes Muslim students. In fact, the best choice would be to stay in some Midwestern state and send the child to a Christian school. Of course, the Christian school would have to be one where there was no corruption or sexual hanky panky from the headmaster.
3. As a teenager, the potential presidential candidate cannot experiment with drugs, whether or not the teen inhales.
4. In college, good grades are actually a liability for future presidents. Gentlemanly C's are the best bet, but B's are probably safe. Worst, of course, would be showing up your rivals by being one of those elitist A students.
5. After college, it would be best to go straight to graduate school or a job on Wall Street or in some big corporation. Community organizing is dangerous because of the word "community" which is too close to the word "communist" which is always bad. Good Americans don't volunteer or work for low pay. Good Americans, and good potential presidents, are good capitalists with a requisite amount of greed.
6. Another acceptable choice for a first job would be the military, preferably with combat duty. This can be tricky for Democrats, however. Combat duty if you are a Democrat must be documented as perfect, so any future Democratic presidential candidate must bring a camera crew with him at all times to show his heroism and perfectly clean record as a soldier. (Future Republican candidates get off easier. So if you want to be president and after joining the military you crash planes or go AWOL, you should change your party affiliation and become a Republican.)
7. Throughout one's life, one must watch one's associates and fundraisers. Even if all you are doing is running for city council, or the state legislature, you must vet all your fundraisers, even those who only hold a coffee at their house for you. You must develop a questionnaire for each associate to fill out, and have a private investigator on your staff so you can know if anyone who gets near you has a skeleton in their closet. If your investigator misses something, you can still save your future campaign by immediately denouncing the associate as the worst person in the world and cut off all ties to them, return any money they raised and get a number of people to sign affadavits that you knew nothing about the offender's offenses.
8. You must be a Christian. You can be a Christian because your parents raised you as one, or you can be a convert. It's best not to be a Catholic, and definitely not a Mormon, and even a traditional Protestant isn't really good enough. You must be an evangelical and talk the correct Jesus talk. As a Democrat, you must also walk the Jesus walk. (This is not so important if you are a Republican. Republicans put much more weight on the talk than on the walk, unless they are talking about abortion or homosexuality.) If you are a convert, you cannot have anything in your background that would indicate you knew anything about Islam. In fact, it is really best if neither of your parents had any connection to Islam. So the parent of a potential presidential candidate, if from a Muslim family, must renounce Islam as a satanic religion and convert to Christianity before their child is even born. And whatever you do, thoroughly vet your pastor, and if he ever gives a fiery sermon, get up and leave and immediately denounce him. Then become a Southern Baptist - that's the safest choice.
9. You must be elected to some other office before you run for the presidency. Being a governor is best, especially if you can be from a state where the Governor doesn't do much or where the population is low. Southern states are best, and yes, in its heart Alaska is a southern state.
Be careful to do nothing controversial in your first elective office, nor take money from lobbyists (only Republican are forgiven for doing this). Make make sure you are in the hospital with pneumonia during votes on abortion or homosexuality. Never say anything unscripted - always give generic speeches that emphasize god, mom, apple pie, and bipartisanship. Always vote to expand funding the troops, and propose some wildly popular piece of legislation, even if you know it won't pass, because you can always say you tried.
10. Thoroughly vet your spouse before you marry him or her, and keep him or her safely at home and silent during the years prior to your run for the presidency. Have a few perfectly behaved children (the same rules don't apply to Republicans) and make sure your spouse and children are indoctrinated prior to your presidential run so they don't utter one word that could be seen as "unpatriotic" by the other side, which will have spies at all campaign events.
Oh, and one more thing. Raise twice as much money as your opponent so you can deflect all the garbage that will come your way, even if you follow all these suggestions.
